It’s often a misconception to predict how people will respond to ‘shocking’ news. With a blend of sensitivity, patience, and love, many obstacles can be navigated. This week, we spoke with Annalisa Barbieri, who tackles a relationship issue submitted by a reader.
Annalisa, could you share a bit of background on the reader’s situation?
Sure! Around ten months ago, the reader’s 27-year-old daughter came out as gay. This was unexpected, given that she had previously only dated men. However, the mother and family have adapted to this change, providing her with support as long as she’s happy with her choice. The daughter is in a relationship with a girlfriend, whom the family has met multiple times, fostering a close bond.
The reader mentions that while the daughter’s friends and family are aware of her new relationship, she hasn’t told her elderly grandmother due to concerns about how she might react. What insights can you provide about this situation?
It’s understandable that the reader worries about her mother’s reaction, especially considering her background in a very traditional family. While the grandmother tries to keep up with societal changes, the fear is that the news might be too much for her health. The daughter regularly visits her grandmother and feels distressed about hiding her relationship, as honesty is important to her.
How do you suggest the daughter approach this sensitive conversation?
When we’re anxious about someone’s reaction, it’s important to remember that the reality is often less severe than we imagine, yet not as optimistic as we hope. The daughter’s news might be a complete surprise to her grandmother—though, who knows? She might even respond in an unexpectedly positive way. I recommend preparing for an initial reaction that may appear surface-level, which could evolve over time.
I spoke with UKCP registered psychotherapist Martin Weaver, who emphasized that like many life choices, this situation involves weighing risks. While not telling the grandmother keeps a secret, it could also harm the honesty in their relationship.
It’s worth noting that sometimes, bigotry stems from fear, and embracing change can lead to self-discovery. I’ve heard stories of grandchildren coming out to grandparents, who then reveal their own past experiences, showing that generational perspectives can shift.
What practical steps can the daughter take in revealing this information?
One approach could be for the daughter to introduce her girlfriend at family gatherings without making a formal announcement, allowing the truth to unfold organically. Alternatively, she could have a more direct conversation, expressing her love for her grandmother and simply stating, “I’ve fallen in love” or “I’m gay.” Ultimately, the directness of her approach needs to match her relationship with her grandmother and should consider whether it’s best done in private or with supportive allies around.
Considering the grandmother’s age, how should the reader balance worrying about her health with sharing this news?
While it’s natural to be concerned for the grandmother’s well-being, she is at an age where she deserves the autonomy to handle her own health. As Weaver pointed out, the reader should also contemplate how they would feel if the truth remained undisclosed after the grandmother passes.
What if the grandmother’s response is negative?
It’s crucial to give her time to process the news; she might not be prepared for it initially. A patient response like, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but let’s discuss this more later,” can help keep the dialogue open without escalating tension.
Finally, what should the reader keep in mind throughout this process?
If the grandmother reacts harshly, it’s more reflective of her own struggles than of her granddaughter. The reader should also consider that the granddaughter may feel vulnerable in this dynamic, so continuing to provide her with emotional support is vital.
Every week, I address personal dilemmas shared with me by readers. If you would like to seek advice from me, feel free to send your concerns to [email protected], but please remember that I am unable to respond to personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
And a note on engagement: comments on these topics will be premoderated to keep discussions focused and respectful. The latest series of my podcast is available for listening, too!
